spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
