Pappa wants mamma naked
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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