I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
