Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
