that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
