How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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