It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
