Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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