Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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