and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
