Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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