I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
