Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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