You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
