My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
