WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
