I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
