Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
