Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
