well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
