My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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