His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
