don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize