In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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