I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
