Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
