the condom got lost in my hair
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize