You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
