"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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