Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
