I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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