He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
