Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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