i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
