If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
