Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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