he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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