I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
