he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
