I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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