I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize