i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
