Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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