He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
