And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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