while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
