I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
