Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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