Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How does one acquire holy water?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize