he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
