1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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