at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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