Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
