NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
