I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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